I have been in recovery for just over 16 years now and regularly attend and take part in a 12-step fellowship program. This has been a massive part of my life for the last 8 years at least. It has not only kept me clean but it has played an important part in giving me a new life. The work it pushes me to do on myself, the friends I have made, and the acceptance that I receive daily. Over the past few weeks the topic of ‘losing the desire to use’ has come up a few times in different conversations with various people. The discussions have been interesting and led to me spending some time thinking about it, looking back, and agreeing that even though I don’t know when I have lost the desire to use (this includes drugs, alcohol, self-harming, and a couple of other things as well) as well as the desire to remain ill. After getting my thoughts in order I realized this might be a nice topic to write about so here we are for this week’s blog.
When I first came into recovery and for many years after, I would still crave different drugs (see the above list and more). Any time I felt overwhelmed by emotions, the situation around me was too difficult to handle or I wanted to stick my head in the sand and be an ostrich. Using was my first port of call, it was the easiest way to avoid/escape/run away from what was going on. By numbing myself through things like alcohol I didn’t have to deal with what was going on inside and around me. Getting into recovery meant that I couldn’t do this anymore and had to replace the behaviors with better actions like phoning someone, distracting myself, or getting to a meeting. Slowly over time, by working in a program, I learned to deal better with whatever life threw at me, including my mental illnesses. My new ways of coping became the norm and I found myself turning to these instead of the automatic thought of numbing myself with drugs, etc. I slowly lost the desire to use it.
Strangely enough, this didn’t mean that I stopped thinking about having a drink, it didn’t mean that I never wanted to hurt myself. These thoughts still pop into my head even now but the desire to escape this way is no longer there. When my thoughts turn to escaping by using something like drugs, etc. I immediately know I need to do the next right thing. I know that while drinking something or using will take me out of the moment it will not solve the problem and I know that I need to resolve what is going on and even better I want to solve the problem. So the thoughts of using or hurting myself become a passing thought instead of an obsessive and compulsive chain. Because I no longer desire to use these unhealthy coping mechanisms the cravings for them never stay long.
I have come to realize that a ‘craving’ is not the same as a longing ‘desire’ to use/drink/hurt. It is not a desire to escape/avoid/run away. Those desires are gone because I have learned how to deal with life on life’s terms. A craving for something for me now is simply a thought that I can let pass through my head and carry on with my life instead of getting caught up in obsessive patterns again. The desire to stop using that got me to my very first meeting, working steps, and talking to a sponsor has morphed into a desire to stay clean, a desire to serve others, a desire to be a productive member of society, a desire to live my life more and more every day.
One of the 12 Step Fellowships, Narcotics Anonymous, says in its literature “an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.” I think this is such a beautiful message and have seen it come true in my life. The same has applied to living with mental illnesses, which desire rules. In the beginning, the desire to stay ill was strong. I wanted to be manic or depressed. I wanted to just avoid or run away to the clinic. Now though I have the desire to live my best life despite and because of my illness. Some days are going to be rough but as long as I let go of the desire to stay in the hole I sometimes land up in and hold on to my desire to live my best life I somehow make my way out of that hole again.
This probably applies to everything and everyone in life. Whether you are an addict, suffer from a mental illness, have a disability, or are just traipsing through life we need to look at our desires. What desires do we need to lose and what desires should we hold on to? For me, I hold tightly to the desire to live my best life every day, being the best person I can be every day. Sometimes I am going to fail or get it wrong, and sometimes I am going to struggle to care enough but I believe that if I live this desire daily I will get through the rough moments.
I lost the desire to use, I lost the desire to stay depressed, I lost the desire to give but I have gained the desire to live, to be productive, to love and be loved. Isn’t it a fantastic thing when we can turn our desires around like that? Starting out in my recovery I couldn’t see this, I couldn’t grasp that a day would come when I would lose the desire to use and live instead. By following suggestions, doing the next right thing, and working hard at bettering myself I am on that road now, that road of living, that road of life.